Coping With Imposter Syndrome During a Pandemic – Part 3: The Perfectionist
“Perfectionist*” Imposters believe there’s only one acceptable standard – zero flaws. Intellectually we know perfection isn’t possible – but it’s hard to silence the inner voice that keeps pointing out everything we do wrong. We obsess over mistakes rather than seeing our work in its entirety.
During the pandemic, many people saw their Perfectionist Imposter grow. As we were forced to take on new and different roles, thoughts emerged such as:
“I’m working from home. My floors should be vacuumed and my kids dressed in matching outfits that I made in my spare time. I’m a horrid parent.”
“Two days was plenty of time to work on this presentation and there was a typo in Slide 3. I’m an incompetent fraud.”
Perfectionists hold themselves to these standards no matter the circumstances. Excessive stress over the health and well-being of family members? Cognitive and emotional fatigue from incessant reports of bad news? No matter how real these are, they’re unacceptable excuses for the Perfectionist.
The problem with obsessing over what we do wrong is that we get a very warped perception of reality. We doubt ourselves and our abilities, even though on average we’ve got a strong winning record. Athletes know they won’t make every shot they take – in fact, 30% is a darn good average. But rather than focusing on their wins, perfectionists only see the times they miss a goal or strike out.
If your inner Perfectionist had time to grow during the pandemic, here’s some suggestions:
Use your words
The biggest thing we can do to overcome Impostor Syndrome is talk about it. Simply putting our irrational fears into words and sharing them with someone we trust can be cathartic. Even writing thoughts down in a journal helps. I find typing out my fears and then mindfully deleting them letter by letter is a good way to readjust.
Count your wins
Make a list of all the things you’ve learned during the pandemic. Think about the things that felt frightening at first – like online client meetings, or communicating with customers while wearing a mask. Recognize that, despite your misgivings, you’ve come a long way. And you will continue to do so.
Help someone else
It’s hard to focus on your own insecurities when you’re thinking about other people. Focus on the goal of doing something for someone else every day. Even if it’s as simple as a quick “Thinking of you” text, the happiness you bring to others will make you feel better. Oh, and guess what? They’ll still appreciate it even if you spell something wrong.
Coping With Impostor Syndrome During a Pandemic – Part 4: The Expert
How many times did you Google “Best practices for working from home”?
How many unnecessary online classes or tutorials have you finished since the pandemic began? (I love learning – “unnecessary” in this context means you took a class in something you already knew just to get a certificate saying you completed it.)
In times of stress, the “Expert” Impostor tries to gain control by learning everything they can. It’s important for Experts to know all. The. Things.
The inner voice of this Imposter goes something like this: “My skills and intelligence might not be on par with everyone else’s, but I can make up for that by having more facts at my fingertips.”
Or: “If I just say what I think during that meeting, I’ll likely be wrong. So I’ll over-research every small element so I can use someone else’s facts and opinions instead of my own.”
But what happens when everything is uncertain? When there are few relevant facts?
For the Expert, the pandemic can be a nightmare. The lack of certainty is painful. All the research and planning in the world can’t help when there are no concrete answers.
All of us feel the anxiety of uncertainty, but for the Expert it’s personal. “I SHOULD be able to predict what’s going to happen. I MUST have all the answers.”
Without the ability to bring other people’s thoughts and research to the table, Experts may become silent. Having lost the ability to verify, the expert can shut down. Better to say nothing than to speak up and be known as a fraud.
The Expert imposter is silenced when we get more comfortable with our own point of view – as my cousin Crystal Lewis puts it, when we “Find Our Voice.” So here’s a few ways to work on overcoming these Imposter thoughts:
Count your wins
Make a list of all the things you’ve learned during the pandemic. Think about the things that felt frightening at first – like online client meetings, or communicating with customers while wearing a mask. Recognize that, despite your misgivings, you’ve come a long way. And you will continue to do so.
Help someone else
It’s hard to focus on your own insecurities when you’re thinking about other people. Focus on the goal of doing something for someone else every day. Even if it’s as simple as a quick “Thinking of you” text, the happiness you bring to others will make you feel better.
Face your fears
As former U.S. First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt put it, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” So push yourself a little every day. Speak up in a meeting. Ask for feedback on a project. Learn something new. Facing fear on your own terms puts you in control of the situation.
Coping With Impostor Syndrome During a Pandemic – Part 5: Silencing Your Inner Imposter
The Urban Dictionary defines “Blowing Sunshine” as telling someone a lie, but one that is pleasing – telling someone what they want to hear. It’s how many people with Imposter Syndrome dismiss positive feedback. Even while bosses, co-workers and customers praise your performance, you’re convinced any success you’ve enjoyed has just been due to luck.
Good managers do their best to provide reassurance in uncertain times. It’s an excellent leadership practice, but for people with Imposter Syndrome it can feel like added stress. A compliment is proof that you got away with your deception once more – but that the standards for good work remain impossibly high. Telling me I did a good job on one project only increases my fear that I won’t perform well on the next one.
What’s the Remedy?
Different things work for different people, so you have to experiment to find your own confidence boost. Here’s a dozen suggestions to get you started.
Use your words
The biggest thing we can do to overcome Impostor Syndrome is talk about it. Simply putting our irrational fears into words and sharing them with someone we trust can be cathartic. Even writing thoughts down in a journal helps. I find typing out my fears and then mindfully deleting them letter by letter is a good way to readjust.
Be your own cheerleader
Look at yourself in the mirror. Whisper “You can do this!” The words you say influence how you feel and help you overcome limiting fear.
Live your values
What are your core principles? What are the most important, driving values in your life? When you can connect your activity to these things, you’re not only more motivated. You become more confident that you’re able to do things that really matter.
Compliment others
One of my favorite things to do is give a complete stranger a very specific compliment. “That color is outstanding on you.” “I really like the pattern in your tie.” Not only is it fun to see the other person stand up a little taller and smile – it also makes me feel powerful. It’s quick, tangible evidence of my ability to influence someone else in a positive way,
Find your “walking music”
Everyone needs a song that makes them feel like they own the world. (Mine is Stevie Wonder’s version of “She’s a Bad Mamma Jamma”, although Britney Spears’ cover of “My Prerogative” works too.) Listen to it every chance you get. Hear it in your head when you walk into an interview. They won’t have a chance.
When it feels like everything is changing, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Our inner Impostors can get really loud when we’re unsure of what to do.
First, recognize Impostor Syndrome for what it is – an unfounded, unwarranted belief that you’re not talented enough, smart enough, good enough.
Then, work until you find a way to silence your Imposter. You’ll find life a little easier without that extra level of unnecessary angst.
*The Impostor Types come from the work of Dr. Valerie Young. Check out her FABULOUS book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer From the Impostor Syndrome and How To Thrive In Spite of It for more details.